Day 20 - Getting Real.
I already talked about my son's health, so what do I talk about now? My concerns about leaving Harry feeling left out because I have to spend so much time with Charlie? I feel like that's recent old news. How about my financial struggles? Man, that bores me, so I know you don't want to hear it. I'm settling on my weight. My struggle with weight and body confidence and people's attitude to weight and size.
In my eyes (and I stress that it's in my eyes), I was never slim or thin. Of course, knowing what I know now, I know that's absolute bollocks. There was a time you could have posted me through a letterbox with air to spare. I only wish upon wish that I had valued and appreciated what I had back in my late teens, and again in my early-mid twenties. Maybe I wouldn't be sat here now writing about it. The trouble is, not all of us are built with an athletic build, or naturally great muscle tone. Some of us have to work really hard to even lose a pound. Sometimes it feels unfair and unjust, but it feels even worse when you're told you can't do it, you'll never do it, or you'll always be porky. 'Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!' That's all I have for the doubters.
As a race, we humans like to point out the obvious without ever considering the consequences of our words and the impact they have on a person's soul. We are ALL guilty of it one way or another, or at one time or another. There are vast cases of the pot calling the kettle, tit for tat, and downright bullying whatever your size. Why are any of us standing for it? I read a brilliantly written blog the other day that raved about body confidence, but in the same breath, it was mentioned that losing weight was for losers. It wasn't quite put like that, and I can't even recall who it was written by, but the fact is, telling someone not to lose weight because you're fat and you like it, doesn't make it right for the next person. My sister is bigger than me. She is confident with her body because her husband loves her just the way she is, but she has to lose weight if she wants to have a better chance of conceiving. It's that simple and she knows this. However, she has basically been told she's not even fat enough to be part of the plus size community by some and is worried on some levels about being outcast from the community she's come to love. Bollocks. Fat and a healthy attitude are not mutually exclusive; neither is thin and being a bitch. There's attitude and then there's Attitude. One is positive, one isn't. The road you take is up to you. Your attitude makes you everything you are. Anger and negativity to people who are different to you, or who maybe even see you differently to themselves does not make you beautiful; nor does it make you right. Your soul does that, and if your soul isn't shining like a beacon, then maybe you should be questioning yourself instead of accusing and ostracising someone based on their weight and/or looks or how they may have treated you in the past. Telling someone not to lose weight is just as bad as telling someone they must. Of course, there are absolutely extreme cases on both ends of the spectrum that do require intervention, but for the most part, what bloody business is it of anyone's but our own?
I am fat. I am comfortable with the word because that's what I see when I look in the mirror. I see chub, I see flub, and I see the world atlas drawn on my stomach, thighs and butt. But, fuck, I am proud of it. I don't always like what I see, but I earned every line, every aching, itching stretch mark is testament to carrying my beautiful twins all those eleven years ago. Are they to blame for the flub and chub? No way. Bed rest and too many crisps are. So is being lazy, eating and drinking too much is also to blame. I am the way I am because I put myself here, and now I'm doing something about it. I would love to plus size blog, but what about when I'm no longer plus size? Who caters for the people on the other side or in between? This is why my blog is a 'mixed bag'. I love that my sister called it that. It's why I like this blog by Georgina. There's no real distinction between fat and thin. My sister is as she is and she's blogging about what she loves: fashion. And she's plus size. George is doing exactly the same and telling everyone whether you're fat or thin, you are still a woman with your own shape and you should embrace it. I adore the idea of plus size fashion. I love all the ladies who blog below. I love fashion. I don't love attitude based on bad experience that tarnishes too many people. I have thin friends who still think they're fat, and I'm all, 'Please, love, let me show you my overhang and then we'll talk.' But the fact is, any woman of any size can have body confidence issues. We should all respect that. ALL OF US.
I will probably always struggle with my weight, and I will never be completely comfortable with what I see, but I work on that daily. I'm losing weight, because when I'm walking up the stairs and am out of breath half way up, with creaking knees and perspiration; it's time to act. I joined Slimming World and I am loving it.
I am also very blessed to have a man in my life who loves me regardless, he strokes my stretch marks with fascinated abandon, and he makes me feel good. I no longer have a husband who tells me he doesn't love the 'parts of me' (ie. the fat) he didn't marry and making me feel like shit. Getting shot of that negativity was half the battle. Be who you want to be, but don't judge someone because of their size. It's child's play. Embrace the differences.
Don't forget to check out the other ladies getting real. I haven't had a chance to read them yet, so you can test me later!